


Shirtless Men Selling Lemonade

by Wearing Cardigans (Haelblazer)



Category: Glee
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, Humor, M/M, Season/Series 01, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 05:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5485754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haelblazer/pseuds/Wearing%20Cardigans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Puck and Kurt have a lemonade stand in a gay enclave in Toledo.<br/>Originally posted on Livejournal June 19, 2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shirtless Men Selling Lemonade

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [](http://gleebadficfest.livejournal.com/profile)[gleebadficfest](http://gleebadficfest.livejournal.com/) Round One Challenge: _Sell_ , so it’s purposefully absurd.  Cross-posted to [](http://puckurt.livejournal.com/profile)[puckurt](http://puckurt.livejournal.com/).

****The thing that really pissed Kurt off was that Puck didn’t even seem affected by Kurt’s last minute surprise.  When they’d been paired off on the glee club’s latest money raising assignment, Puck had mockingly asked Mr. Schue what they were supposed to do this time—op _en a lemonade stand?_

Of course, being who he was, Mr. Schue responded in all seriousness that although he’d expected them to just have a bake sale at school again, it could be beneficial to spread out the club’s money-making efforts, and if he and Kurt wanted to open a lemonade stand, they could do so.  (He also rather pointedly said that Kurt would need to be present the entire time because people might not trust someone who looked like Puck to sell them a drink.)

After Glee, Kurt approached Puck and stated that if he was serious, they weren’t going to make any money just selling powdered lemonade mix or pouring people cups of Tropicana.

“Tropicana makes _orange juice,_ ” Puck pointed out smugly, and Kurt just struggled to give him a fake smile and congratulate him on knowing that.  Even once they’d both agreed to this ridiculous plan and were at some bulk item store buying lemons and sugar, Kurt fought the urge to point out the 20-pack of Tropicana brand lemonade that was on sale.

When Puck started talking about good locations to set up the folding table he’d “borrowed” from the phys ed department, Kurt realized that he had a much better location in mind.

As soon as he got the idea, Kurt tried to make selling lemonade together sound like it might as well be a wedding ceremony, in an effort to get Puck to agree that it would be better if no one in Lima saw them operating their stand together.  Kurt then assured him that an hour and a half drive to Toledo would be worth the benefit of not only keeping their collaboration away from the prying eyes of Lima, but it would also give them a customer base that wouldn’t be diluted by the other glee club members’ fund-raising efforts.

He told Puck that he knew of a neighborhood in Toledo that would be very friendly to two boys selling lemonade to raise money for their glee club’s costumes, and since the weatherman predicted a very hot Saturday, the set up was ideal.

When the two boys actually arrived in Toledo’s Lighting district, the rainbow stickers and flags on just about every storefront kind of gave things away.  Although Puck rolled his eyes at Kurt when he got out of the car, he didn’t say anything to Kurt about his choice of location.  This was Kurt’s first actual outing into the gay enclave by the river; he’d been too nervous to go before, and he hoped that Puck’s presence would discourage any unwanted suitors since Kurt was just on a reconnaissance mission for now.  (Might as well put those “guns” to some good use.)

There were other people casually selling their wares along the street where they’d stopped, and nobody seemed to pay much attention when the two boys began setting up their stand.  However, they did get some attention when Puck took his shirt off and started unpacking lemons to cut and squeeze.  _Well_ , Kurt thought, _that should deflect any of those potential suitors I was worried about_.

As the day went on, they had a few customers, and it looked like they would bring in an okay amount of money, but there weren’t many people venturing out into the heat, and Puck was getting frustrated watching people entering the presumably air conditioned coffee shop down the block.

“What is this, F*R*I*E*N*D*S?  Why is everyone going to a coffee shop in the middle of a heat wave?” Puck watched a lesbian couple exit the shop arm in arm and asked Kurt if they should’ve had Brittany and Santana set up a table beside them.

“We should’ve just made more cupcakes,” Kurt answered, as if he were only half paying attention.  He was wearing a silk button-up long-sleeved shirt and fanning himself.

“I ran out of the main ingredient,” Puck answered distractedly before mumbling to himself that he could’ve crushed up some vicodin, but it probably wouldn’t have been the same.

As time passed, a few men stopped by to flirt and watch Puck squeeze lemons, and Kurt put down his fan long enough to mix in water and sugar.  When the men walked away, Puck turned to observe Kurt fanning himself again.

“You need to take your shirt off,” Puck tugged at the hem of Kurt’s shirt.

“Stop that, you’ll cause stretching!”  Kurt huffed,  “And my fan is doing just fine.”

“Not because of the heat, because it helps move the product,” Puck waved a hand over himself as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"It took a moment for Kurt to fully process what Puck was suggesting,  “I will not display myself like a piece of meat.”

“Come on, as much of a stud as I am, these guys are gonna want to look at some eye candy that they could actually have,” Puck turned his attention back to the lemons and flexed his arm a bit more than necessary as he squeezed the lemon into the cup.

“But they can’t _have_ me,” Kurt flicked his fan dramatically to the side.

“They don’t know that—at least you look obtainable.  It’s pretty obvious I’m not gay.”

“Puck, you’re standing in the Lighting district with a visible nipple ring in front of a store that has a life size poster of Barbra Streisand in the window.  Trust me, no one thinks you’re straight.”

“No, I made sure before I got it,” Puck lifted a finger to flick at his own nipple ring, which seemed to magically draw two customers over.  Kurt and Puck served them before Puck finished his sentence,  “I looked it up and it’s only gay if you do both.”

“I thought it was only _straight_ if you do both.” Kurt stopped fanning himself long enough to think back on the responses he’d seen on Yahoo!Answers.

“What, you looked it up?” Puck look surprised.

“No!” Kurt exclaimed, even though it was a blatant lie.

“Liar,” Puck smirked,  “I’ll bet you saw me with it and started getting your hopes up that I was in the market for a little play time, didn’t you?”

“You are so conceited!” Kurt flicked the fan in Puck’s direction, “Your first thought is that I looked it up because of you? _Perhaps_ I was considering one for _myself_?”

“No way, you’re totally not the piercing type.  You’re like…ice princess.  You can’t get into freaky shit.”

“Please, the very _idea_ of an ice princess indicates that I’d actually be quite good at freaky…things,” Kurt scrunched up his nose as he edited Puck’s vulgarity.

“What, like BDSM?” Puck smiled mischievously.

“I am _not_ discussing BDSM with you,”  Kurt fanned himself faster.

Puck shrugged,  “Whatever.  I can’t see it anyway.  You’re too…refined for that stuff.”

“That almost sounded like a compliment,” Kurt let a small smile break out, happy that his efforts to present a put together image translated through even to subspecies like his football teammates.

“That _was_ a compliment, now take your shirt off,” Puck tugged at Kurt’s shirt again.

“Wow,” Kurt’s brief smile turned into a look of amazement, “How did you ever charm your way into so many women’s pants, again?”

Puck sighed, “Look, we only have one thing for sale here—lemonade.  The only way we can add some variety is by giving these guys a selection of what to look at.  I’m sure you’re _somebody_ ’s type.  What’s that word you guys use?  You’re a Twinkie, right?”

“The word is _twink_ , which I actually really hate,” Kurt grimaced at the word and resolved never to date anybody who used that word to describe him.

“Well whatever you are, I’m sure someone’s creaming their Twinkie over you,” Puck made a lewd masturbation gesture as he spoke.

“You.  Are.  Disgusting.”

“Come on, look at that guy in the little running shorts.  Dude looks like he wants to massage your ass like a stress ball.  He’d totally come buy a drink if you were shirtless.”

“I’m not taking my shirt off, Puck.”

“You don’t have anything to be ashamed of, I mean, I’ve seen what you’ve got under there.”

“Uhh!”  Kurt’s arms flew over his chest protectively and Puck lowered his eyebrows.

“Really?” Puck waved an arm at Kurt’s crossed arms and made it clear that he thought the other boy was being ridiculous.

“I do not want some perv taking out their camera phone and videotaping me shirtless in public, especially when that shirtless-ness involves standing next to you selling lemonade.  I don’t need my future career sullied by some long lost video of me using my body to sell a beverage.”

“I think it’d be kind of funny—we should totally tape this and leak it ourselves.  Think about it, everyone would start speculating that you actually got to hook up with me,”  Puck winked suggestively, and Kurt tried to point out that to him that was _not_ a good thing, but Puck just kept on talking,  “And I’d just say ‘ _hey, I’m Puck, of course the guy wanted it, but he couldn’t get it.  You can have it though, baby’_ —I’m talking to a woman there.”

“Yes, I got that,” Kurt responded icily, and he was happy for the interruption that came in the form of a large man seeking to purchase two lemonades.  Kurt rolled his eyes as the man eagerly watched Puck’s muscles work on squeezing two lemon halfs into two separate cups.  When their transaction was complete, the man walked away, revealing Sue Sylvester in line behind him.

“Ahh!!” Kurt screamed, while Puck just jumped backwards.  How the hell had she suddenly appeared like that?  “Were you there the whole time?”

 “You know, if this were feudal Japan, I’d be a ninja, and you two would have my katana sticking through one of your lemons as we speak,”  Sue turned her attention to Puck, “Why are you shirtless?”

Puck just shrugged.

“Well cover it up, nobody wants to see that.  Your work should speak for itself,” Sue took a sip of the lemonade as Kurt started to ask her what she was doing in Toledo, but she immediately spat it out onto the ground in front of the table.  Kurt and Puck were just relieved she hadn’t spat on them,  “Boys, this is vile.  Princess Peach, off with your shirt—this slop isn’t selling itself.”

Sue slapped her partially full cup into Puck’s hand and walked off, leaving both boys standing there dumbfounded for a moment until she whipped back around and Kurt scrambled to take his shirt off.  Once it was off, she nodded and stormed down the road, possibly from whence she came but who the hell knew really.

“We never speak of this again,” Kurt pointed his finger at Puck’s face in a failed attempt to seem threatening.

“Sure, right,” Puck nodded, moving to clean up the mess that Sue’s visit had left behind.  When he finished, he had a smirk on his face as he tried to get Kurt’s attention,  “Hey.  Hey.”

Kurt was purposefully ignoring him because he knew Puck was going to say something about him having his shirt off.

“Hey.”

“Shut up, Puckerman.”

“I can see your nipples,” Puck lifted his two pointer fingers to poke Kurt’s nipples, and Kurt yelped indignantly before throwing a cup of lemonade at him, starting a food fight that would be preserved on some perv’s camera phone and uploaded to YouTube as Shirtless Lemonade Boy Fight.  The clip received over one million views within a month of its uploading, until it was brought to the attention of a man named Burt Hummel, who kindly pointed out that it was not appropriate to have this video of his soaking wet 16 year old son floating around the internet.

And as for what Burt did to the young man whom he’d seen twisting half of a lemon on his son’s chest like his nipple was a juicer?  Well, that’s another story for another time.

 


End file.
